Mother's Day is this Sunday, and it's time to show our appreciation for all the amazing moms out there. They pay for our stuff, they listen to us whine, and they put up with all of our shit longer than they really should.
Although it's a day all about celebrating mom, for those of us with siblings, it's also a day to prove we're truly #1 with better gifts and cards. Mother's Day is the perfect opportunity to show your mom you love her more than your brothers and sisters do, and to claim your spot as your mom's favorite child.If this is your goal, here's what you should write in your Mother's Day card this year.
Slip $20 in the card
Who doesn't love money? This won't make up for all the tuition money your mom shelled out just for you to go ahead and "find yourself" as an "artist," but hey, it's 20 bucks. Bet your brother won't think of that one.
Tell your mom something you promised your sibling you'd never tell her
Risky, but worth it.
Think of something you swore to your sibling you'd never tell your mom, and sneak the confession into her card somehow.
Example: "P.S. John was the one who dented the car," or "P.S. John was arrested once and told me not to tell you." Whichever one works for your situation, roll with it. We can't guarantee this won't damage any relationships, but at least you'll be your mom's favorite kid. And that's the point, right?
Tell her you'll start doing your own laundry
Hallelujah! The day your mom's been waiting for! It's been her dream since the day you were born that one day in the future you'd offer to do your own damn laundry. Seeing as though you're 27 years old, we think it's time to give your mom a break.
BTW, she's still folding your sister's jeans so now's the perfect time to strike.
Read your sibling's card first and then say better stuff in yours
This one's simple: take a peek at your sibling's dumb card and just say nicer stuff in yours.
If they say "Thanks for all that you do, Mom," say "Without you, I'd be nothing. I'd be a shell of myself. I'd be living in a hole somewhere eating cockroaches for dinner if it wasn't for you. You are the woman that gave me life, and for that, I can never repay you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Mother. Love, your favorite child." Simple.
Draw a picture of her
Since you were in first grade, this is all your mom has ever wanted.
Ever wonder why she still has the macaroni portrait you made of her hanging on the fridge? Moms are suckers for handmade art from their kids. Draw a little picture of you and her holding hands in front of a big tree and a house with a single curl of smoke coming out of the chimney (that's the extent of our abilities).
Guess whose card is going up on the fridge and whose is going in the trash.
Make her cry with a special story
Another thing moms love is crying at happy things. They love a good happy cry.
There must be one story about your relationship that makes her well up at the first word. Even if it's just about the time the two of you met for coffee and it made her entire day, you're golden. Write it out, say how much the moment meant to you, and brace yourself for the waterworks.
While your brother is giving her flowers, you'll be giving her the gift of a memory.
Apologize for all the trouble you caused
We literally don't know how moms deal with us on a day-to-day basis. We're annoying and lazy AF, and we don't deserve all the things they've done for us.
We gave them so much hell as kids, we're surprised they didn't straight up rip the hair out of their scalps. Your sibling is too selfish and unaware to think of apologizing for all the trouble you caused as children, so you be the one to do it.
She'll appreciate it, let out a little laugh, tell you it was all worth it, and bam! You're in.
Promise you'll call her more
All your mom wants is for you to call her. That's it. She lives to hear the sound of your voice.
The phone practically oozes excitement when you finally answer her call after screening for a week. If you promise you'll call your mom more in your card and actually follow through with it, it's like every day is freakin' Mother's Day. Your mom will be so burnt out from her long, riveting calls with you that she'll be too tired to talk to your siblings, meaning she'll totally forget about them and refer to you as her "only child" from now on. Score!
Tell her she can come live with you when she's old
Now, this is idea is the definition of "it's the thought that counts." You don't have to commit to this one, but if your mom has the memory of an elephant and takes this as a sacred promise, you might be putting yourself in quite the pickle.
Take caution, think about this one, and make a decision based on your mom's personality. Success not guaranteed, but your sister is sure as hell not bringing this offer to the table.
Fill your card with inside jokes
Inside jokes are the best way to make someone else feel left out.
Fill your mom's card to the brim with things that only you two find funny, and watch your sibling suffer. You two will share a special, secret laugh, and when your sibling asks what you're laughing at, your mom will reply, "Oh, you just had to be there," and this will absolutely DESTROY them.
This is the final piece of the puzzle for solidifying your role as your mom's favorite kid.
Happy Mother's Day, and let the odds be every in your favor.
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